Hiking naked is now illegal in Switzerland, and if you get caught (true), you have to pay the fine right on the spot. But how are you going to pay… if you’re naked? And if someone does have the money on him, do you really want to take it?
Today is the first official World Hand Washing Day. That must be so thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day when they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s.
Some environmentalists are throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset because the acid stings their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons.
Recently, a musician played his banjo during brain surgery to let doctors know he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. Can’t wait for the follow-up.
Doctors in Australia have saved a man with an IV of pure vodka. In Australia, that’s a medical technique known as “breakfast”.
The magazine “Consumer Reports” has ranked the best sunblocks. The top sunblock, as usual, was ‘shade’. Followed closely by ‘hats’. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.
A driver in Texas hit another car at 100 mph because he said Jesus told him. Yet another reason why Jesus should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive in the rain – the brakes won’t work, because he’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.
A speech by Barack Obama today had good news and bad news. The good news – he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news – he was giving the speech in China.
Five rabbis in New Jersey and New York were arrested for selling kidneys on the black market. So that’s why the contribution box at my local synagogue always smelled like urine. I thought it was just homeless guys pissing in it. One thing you can say about Catholic priests – they never took your kidney. Maybe your kid, but not your kidney.
Yesterday, Jessica Simpson was booed at a concert for forgetting the lyrics to some of her songs. Which was surprising, because usually she’s booed for remembering them.
Did you hear about this 107-year-old woman in China looking for her first husband? She says she’s tired of being a burden on her nieces and nephews, since they’re all, you know, dead. She’s also worried about hot flashes, or as some people call them, ‘cremation’. A 90-year-old man proposed to her, but she said no, because she didn’t want to be a cougar.
Today, a woman found her kidnapped son through the website MySpace. And MySpace is thrilled, because this is the first time it’s hooked a kid up with his legal guardian.
Tide detergent announced a new extra-cheap version called Tide Basic. Because basically, it doesn’t get your clothes clean. I think the instructions will read: “For best results after washing with Tide Basic, wash again with regular Tide.” Maybe you’ll open a box of Tide Basic and inside will just be a hanger.
A Chinese businessman is going to pay $2 million for lunch with the investment expert Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first financial advice will be: “Jesus, man, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.”
A court awarded $240,000 to a man forced to cover his Arabic t-shirt on an airplane. And today, airports were flooded with Wall Street bankers wearing Arabic t-shirts.
The plane that crashed in the Hudson River was hit by a flock of geese. And some people are asking how geese could be so stupid to fly right into an airliner. But you have to remember, these are the geese that were too stupid to fly south for the winter. It’s January – what are they still doing in New York?! Goose TV is interviewing their relatives in Florida going: “Yeah, we all kind of thought this would happen to Bob. Ever since he accidentally tied his neck in a knot.”
Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.
NATO forces in Afghanistan have discovered the Taliban is using Chinese-made weapons. How easy is it to get Chinese-made weapons? Well, I went to Chinatown and was easily able to buy these illegal surface-to-air missiles.
Do you know there are now special centers for kids addicted to the internet? They take them out into the woods, have them live and play together. Really? Is this how they’re selling summer camp now? I hear they also have a great program for overcoming fear of abandonment. It’s called ‘hide and go seek’.
Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires.
After the Oath of Office, Senator Diane Feinstein was standing next to Obama and all she had to say was: “Such a distinctive signature!” I guess she got tired of saying: “Oh, you speak so well!” Although, Obama’s signature is an improvement on Bush, who usually used fingerpaint.
A new study says people are friendlier with a warm liquid in their hands. That’s why if I have trouble connecting with people, I like to piss on their hands.
Two men in Massachusetts are being called heroes after catching a toddler falling from a third-story window. But who’s not going to do that? “Hey, is that a baby falling?” “Yup. Too bad I’m holding this beer.” Now there’s a hero.
In New Jersey, deer broke into an elementary school and trashed a supply room. Yes, New Jersey – where even Bambi is a felon. Luckily, the kids could handle it, since most of them were armed.
As a protest against his record label, the musician Danger Mouse is going to release a blank album. So you can buy it, but inside is just a blank CD. Actually though, Danger Mouse got the idea from my old band. You may have heard of us. We were called “Sony”. Our album was called “CD-ROM Five-Pack”. I have to admit, I didn’t want to release a quintuple album, but it’s become the biggest selling album of all time.
A new study says that ultraviolet lights can kill tuberculosis. That’s why you don’t see any tuberculosis patients who grow pot.
Brad Pitt’s new baseball movie “Moneyball” has been delayed, because Pitt apparently thought “Moneyball” referred to how he was going to be paid.
Scientists now say they’ve found mud volcanoes on Mars, which might finally point to the existence there of high school science projects.
A judge yesterday ruled that money discriminates against the blind. Well, tough! It discriminates against me too. Especially when I’m drunk.
Some people say the Eliot Spitzer scandal could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her biggest supporters. But I don’t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.
Police in Israel have arrested a gang of Israeli neo-Nazis. Yeah, the members are male, between the ages of 16-21, and ALL APPARENTLY FAILED MATH! There are eight of them. Israel has 5.4 million Jews. I think they’re just a tad outnumbered. And I bet they’re going to get a realllly nice reception in Israeli prison. “Could you bend over and pick up my yarmulke?”
The Chinese government says that thousands of couples there plan to get married on the first day of the Olympics. But doesn’t China have 1.3 billion people? Aren’t thousands of couples planning to get married the day after too? And the day after that…
Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now, Mowgli is the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who is LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.
Two men were arrested for selling fake penises on the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But (true) these penises were for passing drug tests. Yeah, that’ll be a good excuse when your girlfriend finds one. The fake penis was called (true) the Whizzinator. How did they think they would get away with this? They had a company, brand name, website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers called themselves (true) “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine” – a title I always thought was held by Mountain Dew.
A lot of luxury seats at the new Yankee Stadium are going empty, because the only people in New York who can afford them these days are already out on the field.
A Colorado newspaper is hiring a marijuana reviewer and has received over 100 applications. However, the newspaper said anyone who takes the effort to send a resume obviously doesn’t have the expertise it’s looking for.
A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.
A new internet cure for insomnia is becoming popular. That’s like a brand of whiskey that cures alcoholism. I assume the internet cure features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off the porn and go to bed!”
Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he never took steroids. The testimony was slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t quite fit through the door.
The cover model for Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue this year is Israeli. And Israel has mandatory military training, so she’ll be only their second cover model who can use an Uzi submachine gun. The first was, of course, Tyra Banks.
Australian men are mourning the death of the oldest sheep in the world, their first GGGGGGGGGILF.
French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – and he never even used it. Jesus, how much of a hint does a guy need to freshen up? This explains why the White House classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.
A new study says loneliness is contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, it’s proposing fake Gucci handbags.
This morning, Bill Clinton went to North Korea to rescue two American journalists. The White House was also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
The NFL has announced plans to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm…
In New Jersey, two men were able to walk away after crashing a plane carrying urine samples (true). Of course, this being New Jersey, the urine samples were on the tires. Actually, I think any plane about to crash has urine samples. If I were on a plane going down, it would have urine samples, shit samples, and on the flight recorder – samples of girlish screams.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods, since he's been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. The Woods scandal will probably increase Nike sales, since he's finally doing something teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me those sneakers."
President Obama said making houses more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey baby, let’s get naked and put up storm windows.”
A new study says baby-faced people live longer, but only if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.
A new study says people drink more than they think. For example, the average person has 1.8 drinks per hour, but only 1.4 thoughts.
Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. In order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill (true) dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because (true) a new tax was added for tanning salons.
Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold Illinois’s ex-politicians.
A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing – holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – lots of masturbation and internet porn.
Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she made him turn off his cell phone. Other passengers were also upset, because it meant Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. And most of the families were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
Eritrea’s government will cut spending by not buying any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sarah Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that‘s how starving people eat.
President Obama said making houses more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey baby, let’s get naked and put up storm windows.”
A new study says baby-faced people live longer, but only if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.
A new study says people drink more than they think. For example, the average person has 1.8 drinks per hour, but only 1.4 thoughts.
Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. In order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill (true) dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because (true) a new tax was added for tanning salons.
Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold Illinois’s ex-politicians.
A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing – holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – lots of masturbation and internet porn.
Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she made him turn off his cell phone. Other passengers were also upset, because it meant Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. And most of the families were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
Eritrea’s government will cut spending by not buying any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sarah Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that‘s how starving people eat.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
12/19
1. Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform from Senator Ben Nelson, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. Nelson demanded on principle that no federal money be used for abortions. He also demanded extra money for his state. In the Nelson Amendment, it’s known as the Blagojevich Clause. Also, in order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because a new tax was added for tanning salons.
2. A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
3. A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
4. 3D movies will soon be available in people’s homes. As opposed to the people watching them, who are steadily becoming more two-dimensional.
5. The U.N. called the Copenhagen climate control deal a good “first step”. Philosophers were thrilled, because after Bali, Kyoto, Rio, etc., etc., it’s yet another example for Zeno’s Paradoxes.
2. A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.
3. A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.
4. 3D movies will soon be available in people’s homes. As opposed to the people watching them, who are steadily becoming more two-dimensional.
5. The U.N. called the Copenhagen climate control deal a good “first step”. Philosophers were thrilled, because after Bali, Kyoto, Rio, etc., etc., it’s yet another example for Zeno’s Paradoxes.
Friday, December 18, 2009
12/18
1. After the Tiger Woods affairs, there have been lots of advice articles about “Could your marriage handle an affair?” And countless wives are thinking: “If I had millions of dollars coming to me, hell yes!” Swiss watch maker Tag Heuer said it will drop Tiger Woods as a sponsor. But wouldn’t he be the perfect spokesman for needing good timekeeping on a tight schedule? Also, Woods’s caddy said he will never caddy for anyone else. Which is kind of ironic, considering.
2. A new study shows the average person drinks more than he thinks. For example, the average person consumes 1.8 drinks per hour but has only 1.4 thoughts.
3. Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sara Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that’s what starving people do.
4. The Chinese government wants to meter all internet traffic that crosses its borders, and some people think it has a “hidden agenda”. No, I think it’s just an “agenda”. There’s nothing very hidden about it.
5. Pepsi has decided to not buy ads during the Super Bowl, because its new campaign focuses on community service. Because there’s nothing that says community service like nutritionless sugar water. And Pepsi could still do that in a Super Bowl commercial. Every time people swear, it could pay to have a little Pepsi can over their mouths.
2. A new study shows the average person drinks more than he thinks. For example, the average person consumes 1.8 drinks per hour but has only 1.4 thoughts.
3. Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sara Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that’s what starving people do.
4. The Chinese government wants to meter all internet traffic that crosses its borders, and some people think it has a “hidden agenda”. No, I think it’s just an “agenda”. There’s nothing very hidden about it.
5. Pepsi has decided to not buy ads during the Super Bowl, because its new campaign focuses on community service. Because there’s nothing that says community service like nutritionless sugar water. And Pepsi could still do that in a Super Bowl commercial. Every time people swear, it could pay to have a little Pepsi can over their mouths.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
12/17
1. Japan’s central bank said it won’t tolerate lower prices for consumers. Now there’s a government working for the people. And with that, Subway Japan was banned from selling 500-yen footlongs.
2. Beijing now has 4 million vehicles and 6 million drivers. So what are the extra 2 million drivers doing? Probably looking for parking.
3. Iraqi insurgents have hacked into unmanned American drones, because the military didn’t encrypt their signals! So basically, it would have been harder to hack Starbucks wifi. Although I think unmanned drones are the next step in Starbucks cost-cutting.
4. Cabin crews from British Airways have planned a strike during Christmas. Well, if they need anyone to take over for a couple flights…
5. An undersea formation shaped like a fried egg might be the crater of a meteor. Scientists say a volcanic origin is unlikely, since the egg would have then been boiled.
2. Beijing now has 4 million vehicles and 6 million drivers. So what are the extra 2 million drivers doing? Probably looking for parking.
3. Iraqi insurgents have hacked into unmanned American drones, because the military didn’t encrypt their signals! So basically, it would have been harder to hack Starbucks wifi. Although I think unmanned drones are the next step in Starbucks cost-cutting.
4. Cabin crews from British Airways have planned a strike during Christmas. Well, if they need anyone to take over for a couple flights…
5. An undersea formation shaped like a fried egg might be the crater of a meteor. Scientists say a volcanic origin is unlikely, since the egg would have then been boiled.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
12/16
1. A female weightlifter gave birth during training, because she didn’t know she was pregnant. However, she was thrilled, because it immediately dropped her to a lower weight class. She was having nausea in the morning, but assumed it was just a side effect of steroids.
2. Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing: Holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – masturbation and internet porn.
3. Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she asked him to turn off his cell phone. Surrounding passengers were also upset, because it meant that Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
4. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Time called the Fed the most “powerful, secret, least understood” force in the economy. Well, except for Cash4Gold.
5. The government is suing Intel over unfair business practices. The computer-maker Gateway said that Intel beat them “into guacamole”. However, Intel said that was only to make Gateway tastier for its chips.
2. Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing: Holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – masturbation and internet porn.
3. Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she asked him to turn off his cell phone. Surrounding passengers were also upset, because it meant that Schumer was more likely to talk to them.
4. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Time called the Fed the most “powerful, secret, least understood” force in the economy. Well, except for Cash4Gold.
5. The government is suing Intel over unfair business practices. The computer-maker Gateway said that Intel beat them “into guacamole”. However, Intel said that was only to make Gateway tastier for its chips.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12/15
1. President Obama said retrofitting houses to make them more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey, honey, let’s spend a romantic evening putting in storm windows.”
2. Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold many of Illinois’s ex-politicians.
3. Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. Most of the families said they were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
4. After being attacked, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told his supporters that “love always triumphs over hate”. Which is maybe why he soothes the pain of a bad marriage by flirting with teenage girls.
5. Eritrea’s government announced a plan to cut spending, by not bothering to buy any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
2. Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold many of Illinois’s ex-politicians.
3. Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. Most of the families said they were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.
4. After being attacked, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told his supporters that “love always triumphs over hate”. Which is maybe why he soothes the pain of a bad marriage by flirting with teenage girls.
5. Eritrea’s government announced a plan to cut spending, by not bothering to buy any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.
Monday, December 14, 2009
12/14
1. A new study says baby-faced people live longer. That is, if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists also emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.
2. Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi got a bloody nose from a man throwing a model of a cathedral. Good thing he didn’t also throw holy water, or Berlusconi would have gotten burns too.
3. Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods. Especially since Woods has been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. This is probably actually going to increase Nike sales, since Woods is finally doing something that urban teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me some of those sneakers."
4. Senator Joe Lieberman opposed lowering the minimum age for Medicare to 55. He doesn’t want anything to interfere with his own insurance plan, which is to serve on the board of Hartford insurance companies when he retires.
5. Developing countries are threatening to walk out of the Copenhagen climate talks, saying that richer countries aren’t doing enough. To which Denmark’s representative said: “Go ahead and walk out. It’s December. You’ll see we Danish wouldn’t actually mind a little global warming.”
2. Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi got a bloody nose from a man throwing a model of a cathedral. Good thing he didn’t also throw holy water, or Berlusconi would have gotten burns too.
3. Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods. Especially since Woods has been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. This is probably actually going to increase Nike sales, since Woods is finally doing something that urban teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me some of those sneakers."
4. Senator Joe Lieberman opposed lowering the minimum age for Medicare to 55. He doesn’t want anything to interfere with his own insurance plan, which is to serve on the board of Hartford insurance companies when he retires.
5. Developing countries are threatening to walk out of the Copenhagen climate talks, saying that richer countries aren’t doing enough. To which Denmark’s representative said: “Go ahead and walk out. It’s December. You’ll see we Danish wouldn’t actually mind a little global warming.”
Sunday, December 13, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.
The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.
A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. That’s why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
There have been fears that Zhu Zhu Pet toys can cause vomiting, but this didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.”
Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
Information leaked yesterday says the family of the mayor of Washington DC doesn’t get screened at airports. Excuse me? Have you seen some of the mayors of Washington DC? They should be screened before going into a 7-11.
AT&T is complaining that iPhone customers use too much bandwidth. So AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones. Like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
Gillette razors is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”
A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went across the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American side, and finally ended in California garment factories.
The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.
A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. That’s why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
There have been fears that Zhu Zhu Pet toys can cause vomiting, but this didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.”
Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
Information leaked yesterday says the family of the mayor of Washington DC doesn’t get screened at airports. Excuse me? Have you seen some of the mayors of Washington DC? They should be screened before going into a 7-11.
AT&T is complaining that iPhone customers use too much bandwidth. So AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones. Like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
Gillette razors is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”
A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went across the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American side, and finally ended in California garment factories.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
12/12
1. The razor company Gillette is limiting Tiger Woods’s role in its promotions, but I could see them doing something with this. “Take it from someone who knows -- it’s the best a man can get.” “When I‘m thinking of slitting my wrists, I reach for Gillette.”
2. A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went along the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American coast, and finally ended in California sweatshops.
3. In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. Which is why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
4. Google has announced that its designers are using a special Google phone that makes it even easier for them to violate people’s privacy on the go.
5. There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
2. A new study says Asia was mainly populated by a single migration flow. It went along the southern coast, then north along the Pacific, down the American coast, and finally ended in California sweatshops.
3. In his weekly radio address, President Obama said he didn’t get elected to “help fat cat bankers”. Which is why he let the unelected people in his administration help them.
4. Google has announced that its designers are using a special Google phone that makes it even easier for them to violate people’s privacy on the go.
5. There have been some safety concerns at the new $700 million U.S. embassy in Iraq, especially after this photo.
Friday, December 11, 2009
12/11
1. The NBC show Dateline is going to have a “special report” called “The Secret Life of Tiger Woods”. I don’t know if they’ve been paying attention, but there’s not much secret anymore. What else do they have? Was he involved in the Kennedy Assassination? And now a Las Vegas madam says Woods paid for sex with her escorts, giving new meaning to the golf phrase “a hundred bucks a hole”.
2. A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
3. A woman in Florida has been charged with attacking her boyfriend with raw steak. That doesn’t sound bad, until you find out how raw it was – it was still in cow form. She’s been charged with starting a stampede.
4. A new book attempts to unify Spanish grammar for the entire world, but with allowances for different dialects, such as Mexico, Argentina, and most people north of Pittsburgh trying to pronounce “quesadilla”. The book also clarifies that, despite rumors, Bill Cosby is not speaking Spanish.
5. Miley Cyrus’s Grammy nomination for best song written for a movie was disqualified, because the song wasn’t actually written for the movie. Didn’t she know this? Maybe after Obama’s Nobel Prize, she figured it’s all about how you feel. “I changed the direction of the song to be inspired by the movie.”
2. A new study shows that some monkeys use prefixes and suffixes the same way that humans use them – to confuse third-graders.
3. A woman in Florida has been charged with attacking her boyfriend with raw steak. That doesn’t sound bad, until you find out how raw it was – it was still in cow form. She’s been charged with starting a stampede.
4. A new book attempts to unify Spanish grammar for the entire world, but with allowances for different dialects, such as Mexico, Argentina, and most people north of Pittsburgh trying to pronounce “quesadilla”. The book also clarifies that, despite rumors, Bill Cosby is not speaking Spanish.
5. Miley Cyrus’s Grammy nomination for best song written for a movie was disqualified, because the song wasn’t actually written for the movie. Didn’t she know this? Maybe after Obama’s Nobel Prize, she figured it’s all about how you feel. “I changed the direction of the song to be inspired by the movie.”
Thursday, December 10, 2009
12/10
1. Information about airport security that was released on the internet shows that the immediate family of the mayor of Washington DC is exempt from screening. Excuse me? Have you see some of the mayors of Washington DC? They shouldn’t be exempt from screening to get into a late-night 7-11.
2. AT&T wants to limit iPhone customers, because they use their phones too much and AT&T can’t handle the volume. AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones, like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
3. Facebook is trying to push its users to make their information more public, because that’s “the way the world is moving”. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. Facebook also announced plans to generate massive amounts of CO2 to speed up global warming, since that’s also the way the world is moving.
4. Eli Roth, the director of torture porn movies like “Hostel”, has admitted working in the sex porn industry as a college student. His next logical step? Directing gourmet cooking shows featuring the most artery-clogging recipes ever imagined.
5. In the Philippines, a group of men have taken hostages to get police to drop charges of murder and robbery. But if you think local police are the type to drop murder charges if you kidnap people, what makes you think they’re the type to keep their word?
2. AT&T wants to limit iPhone customers, because they use their phones too much and AT&T can’t handle the volume. AT&T’s new series of ads show people what they could be doing besides playing with their iPhones, like talking to their children. Or empathizing with live human beings.
3. Facebook is trying to push its users to make their information more public, because that’s “the way the world is moving”. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. Facebook also announced plans to generate massive amounts of CO2 to speed up global warming, since that’s also the way the world is moving.
4. Eli Roth, the director of torture porn movies like “Hostel”, has admitted working in the sex porn industry as a college student. His next logical step? Directing gourmet cooking shows featuring the most artery-clogging recipes ever imagined.
5. In the Philippines, a group of men have taken hostages to get police to drop charges of murder and robbery. But if you think local police are the type to drop murder charges if you kidnap people, what makes you think they’re the type to keep their word?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
12/9
1. Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he apparently gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.
2. The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
3. A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
4. The feds announced that fewer people are changing residence today than any time since World War II, and they would also like to deeply apologize again for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps.
5. Facebook is announcing new privacy options, allowing posts to be seen by “only friends”, “friends of friends”, or “friends with benefits”. So finally, you can accept that friend request from your grandma without fear.
2. The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
3. A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
4. The feds announced that fewer people are changing residence today than any time since World War II, and they would also like to deeply apologize again for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps.
5. Facebook is announcing new privacy options, allowing posts to be seen by “only friends”, “friends of friends”, or “friends with benefits”. So finally, you can accept that friend request from your grandma without fear.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
12/8
1. Zhu Zhu Pet toys were declared safe by the feds, in response to fears that Mr. Squiggles could cause vomiting. The bad news didn’t hurt sales (true). What kind of parents are these? “Well, if the kid vomits, maybe he’ll lose some weight.” Federal agencies are notoriously slow to test toys. For example, only last month, it finally okayed “Injuns”.
2. Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
3. Brian Bonsall, a former actor on the ‘80s sitcom “Family Ties”, has been arrested for assault. Bonsall now regrets the fight, which he started when someone called his former co-star Meredith Baxter a lesbian.
4. The president of Serbia was fined for making a toast at a soccer match. Serbia bans alcohol at sports events in order to stop violence. Which is odd, because considering this is Serbia, sports events are one of the least violent places in the country.
5. A woman in Florida says that a McDonald’s refused to hire her because she used to be a man. She should have applied at Burger King, since their slogan is “Have It Your Way”.
2. Scientists have now developed batteries made of paper. So what steroids have been for pro sports, this is going to be for paper airplane contests.
3. Brian Bonsall, a former actor on the ‘80s sitcom “Family Ties”, has been arrested for assault. Bonsall now regrets the fight, which he started when someone called his former co-star Meredith Baxter a lesbian.
4. The president of Serbia was fined for making a toast at a soccer match. Serbia bans alcohol at sports events in order to stop violence. Which is odd, because considering this is Serbia, sports events are one of the least violent places in the country.
5. A woman in Florida says that a McDonald’s refused to hire her because she used to be a man. She should have applied at Burger King, since their slogan is “Have It Your Way”.
Monday, December 7, 2009
12/7
1. Scientists have found evidence of prehistoric mass cannibalism at a site in Germany. Is it surprising that this was in Germany? I can show you sites of mass cannibalism in Germany from last week.
2. Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
3. The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
4. A man in Florida charged with murder has covered up a swastika tattoo with makeup, because the judge thinks it might prejudice the jury. But I don’t think the makeup is going to help him with a Florida jury (sorry, very localized joke).
5. The White House admitted there have been no credible accounts of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts for years. Some believe he may have gone underground because of a continuing affair with Tiger Woods.
2. Google is going to personalize internet searches based on what people searched for in the past. So good luck ever again finding websites about the birth of sextuplets.
3. The White House announced that most of the bank bailout will be repaid, lowering next year’s deficit to $1.3 trillion instead of $1.5 trillion. Whew! Now they can afford some of those little ID-checking machines that bar bouncers use.
4. A man in Florida charged with murder has covered up a swastika tattoo with makeup, because the judge thinks it might prejudice the jury. But I don’t think the makeup is going to help him with a Florida jury (sorry, very localized joke).
5. The White House admitted there have been no credible accounts of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts for years. Some believe he may have gone underground because of a continuing affair with Tiger Woods.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A Swedish department store has stopped selling North Korean designer jeans. The jeans come in two models: relaxed fit (the “Kim Jong Il”) and slim fit (the “Everyone Else”).
The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”
A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it couldn’t make payments on its $60 billion debt. But I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it also announced plans to build the world’s largest debt clock.
South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because it would be the first cow killed by humans since about three seconds earlier.
The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, which was covered in red and yellow lights. Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.
November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.
Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.
The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.
Scientists were excited about a man controlling an artificial hand with his thoughts for the first time. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....
The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.
Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a vibrating massage chair to earthquake survivors.
Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.
The leader of a spam e-mail group has been fined $15 million. As part of the punishment, he received the news one dollar at a time via 15 million e-mails. Fortunately, he found a woman in Nigeria who will give him the money if he just sends a bank fee. He was described as the leader of a “spam gang”. Not to be confused with a recent sex scandal at Spam headquarters, which was a “Spam gang bang”. Spam gangs are probably the least scary gangs of all time. Like they say: “Don’t bring spam to a gun fight.”
A new study says that loneliness can be contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
Stock markets plummeted after Dubai said it couldn’t make payments on its $60 billion debt. But I don’t think Dubai really gets it, since it also announced plans to build the world’s largest debt clock.
South Africa wants to sacrifice a cow to bless the World Cup soccer tournament. But animal rights activists want to stop it, because it would be the first cow killed by humans since about three seconds earlier.
The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, which was covered in red and yellow lights. Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.
November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.
Somali pirates have taken a huge oil tanker headed for the U.S. Now we might really get some action on them, because you don’t mess with America’s oil. The wrath of Navy SEAL snipers is nothing compared to 200 million American commuters.
The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
The Vatican has condemned Switzerland’s new ban on Muslim minarets. You know, when even the Vatican says you’re being intolerant of Muslims, maybe it’s time to step back and think a bit. And the Pope is protected by the Swiss Guard. Now he’s going to have to hire a Swiss Guard Guard.
Scientists were excited about a man controlling an artificial hand with his thoughts for the first time. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
The government of Madagascar has released a comic book to explain the nation’s constitution. Now, you might be wondering why Madagascar has a system so much more mature than our use of news pundits....
The woman who bragged to US Magazine about an affair with Tiger Woods said: “I hope Tiger and I can remain good friends.” So now we know two things about her – she had an affair with Woods and she’s batshit crazy.
Many people are questioning whether to have dangerous shows at malls, after an accident at an acrobat show. Excuse me, but these are the same malls that promote Black Friday. Worrying about a death-defying acrobat show after Black Friday is like not showing a vibrating massage chair to earthquake survivors.
Banks say it’s been very hard to quickly arrange documents to modify loans for people facing foreclosure. I guess they lost all the amazing workers who sped through those piles of dodgy subprime mortgages a few years ago.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
12/5
1. A Swedish department store has stopped selling North Korean jeans. The jeans come in two models: loose fit (the “Kim Jong Il”) and slim fit (the “Everyone Else”).
2. Scientists were excited that for the first time, a man controlled his artificial hand with just his thoughts. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
3. The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
4. A prisoner in Maine who was wrongly released has now turned himself in. There were apparently two prisoners named Ismail. What makes me think Maine isn’t used to guys named Ismail? And it’s the second time this prison has released the wrong person. So if you want to escape from prison, and your name is Smith -- do your crimes in Maine.
5. An official reprimand for a teacher in Britain said (true): “Mr. Rouse behaved inappropriately in threatening to throw a pupil out of the window.” Yes, I would agree. Now if he’d said “through the window”, that would have been okay.
2. Scientists were excited that for the first time, a man controlled his artificial hand with just his thoughts. However, they were later disappointed to learn that he just had ESP.
3. The climate summit in Copenhagen adopted Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall”. However, considering when serious climate control will ever happen, I think a better Dylan song might be “Blowin’ in the Wind”.
4. A prisoner in Maine who was wrongly released has now turned himself in. There were apparently two prisoners named Ismail. What makes me think Maine isn’t used to guys named Ismail? And it’s the second time this prison has released the wrong person. So if you want to escape from prison, and your name is Smith -- do your crimes in Maine.
5. An official reprimand for a teacher in Britain said (true): “Mr. Rouse behaved inappropriately in threatening to throw a pupil out of the window.” Yes, I would agree. Now if he’d said “through the window”, that would have been okay.
Friday, December 4, 2009
12/4
1. November saw the unemployment rate drop to 10%. However, most of that was just people hired by the media to camp outside Tiger Woods’s house.
2. The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
3. The Senate voted yesterday that health insurers had to cover mammograms for middle-aged women. Senators also passed a similar bill requiring the Senate to cover breast exams for hot young women.
4. Two brothers living in a cave in Hungary are going to inherit $6.6 billion. Now that may seem amazing, but remember that Batman lived in a cave too.
5. Google is now offering an online dictionary. That might have helped when they were coming up with their name.
2. The National Zoo is sending a four-year-old panda to China as part of its panda loan agreement. This marks the first time that the feds have ever been able to pay off a loan to China.
3. The Senate voted yesterday that health insurers had to cover mammograms for middle-aged women. Senators also passed a similar bill requiring the Senate to cover breast exams for hot young women.
4. Two brothers living in a cave in Hungary are going to inherit $6.6 billion. Now that may seem amazing, but remember that Batman lived in a cave too.
5. Google is now offering an online dictionary. That might have helped when they were coming up with their name.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
12/3
1. The Obama family turned on the National Christmas Tree, covered in red and yellow lights . Fox News immediately reported: “Obama Lights Tree Celebrating Communist China”.
2. The White House held a major job forum today focused on job creation. First up, scheduling more job forums, which will employ thousands.
3. Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
4. The cable company Comcast, regularly voted as having the nation's worst customer service, is going to buy NBC, which offers the nation's worst selection of shows. I hear next Comcast plans to buy Mountain Dew and the Detroit Lions.
5. Vladimir Putin announced he's considering running for president of Russia in 2012. It was the most surprising news since Donald Trump’s announcement that he’s considering using hair spray tomorrow. Or since woman #47 came forward to say she had a quickie with Tiger Woods under a table at Spago’s.
2. The White House held a major job forum today focused on job creation. First up, scheduling more job forums, which will employ thousands.
3. Hofstra University has sadly decided to end its $4.5 million football program. A teary-eyed Hofstra spokesperson said that from now on the money would be wasted on academics.
4. The cable company Comcast, regularly voted as having the nation's worst customer service, is going to buy NBC, which offers the nation's worst selection of shows. I hear next Comcast plans to buy Mountain Dew and the Detroit Lions.
5. Vladimir Putin announced he's considering running for president of Russia in 2012. It was the most surprising news since Donald Trump’s announcement that he’s considering using hair spray tomorrow. Or since woman #47 came forward to say she had a quickie with Tiger Woods under a table at Spago’s.
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