Hiking naked is now illegal in Switzerland, and if you get caught (true), you have to pay the fine right on the spot. But how are you going to pay… if you’re naked? And if someone does have the money on him, do you really want to take it?
Today is the first official World Hand Washing Day. That must be so thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day when they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s.
Some environmentalists are throwing acid at whaling ships, and the whalers are upset because the acid stings their eyes. Yeah, you know what else stings when it gets in your eyes? Harpoons.
Recently, a musician played his banjo during brain surgery to let doctors know he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. Can’t wait for the follow-up.
Doctors in Australia have saved a man with an IV of pure vodka. In Australia, that’s a medical technique known as “breakfast”.
The magazine “Consumer Reports” has ranked the best sunblocks. The top sunblock, as usual, was ‘shade’. Followed closely by ‘hats’. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.
A driver in Texas hit another car at 100 mph because he said Jesus told him. Yet another reason why Jesus should never be your co-pilot. And don’t let Jesus drive in the rain – the brakes won’t work, because he’ll just keep gliding over the puddles.
A speech by Barack Obama today had good news and bad news. The good news – he said “we will find smarter ways to invest your tax money”. The bad news – he was giving the speech in China.
Five rabbis in New Jersey and New York were arrested for selling kidneys on the black market. So that’s why the contribution box at my local synagogue always smelled like urine. I thought it was just homeless guys pissing in it. One thing you can say about Catholic priests – they never took your kidney. Maybe your kid, but not your kidney.
Yesterday, Jessica Simpson was booed at a concert for forgetting the lyrics to some of her songs. Which was surprising, because usually she’s booed for remembering them.
Did you hear about this 107-year-old woman in China looking for her first husband? She says she’s tired of being a burden on her nieces and nephews, since they’re all, you know, dead. She’s also worried about hot flashes, or as some people call them, ‘cremation’. A 90-year-old man proposed to her, but she said no, because she didn’t want to be a cougar.
Today, a woman found her kidnapped son through the website MySpace. And MySpace is thrilled, because this is the first time it’s hooked a kid up with his legal guardian.
Tide detergent announced a new extra-cheap version called Tide Basic. Because basically, it doesn’t get your clothes clean. I think the instructions will read: “For best results after washing with Tide Basic, wash again with regular Tide.” Maybe you’ll open a box of Tide Basic and inside will just be a hanger.
A Chinese businessman is going to pay $2 million for lunch with the investment expert Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first financial advice will be: “Jesus, man, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.”
A court awarded $240,000 to a man forced to cover his Arabic t-shirt on an airplane. And today, airports were flooded with Wall Street bankers wearing Arabic t-shirts.
The plane that crashed in the Hudson River was hit by a flock of geese. And some people are asking how geese could be so stupid to fly right into an airliner. But you have to remember, these are the geese that were too stupid to fly south for the winter. It’s January – what are they still doing in New York?! Goose TV is interviewing their relatives in Florida going: “Yeah, we all kind of thought this would happen to Bob. Ever since he accidentally tied his neck in a knot.”
Friday was Pi Day, the official day celebrating the number pi, and man, I thought it would never end.
NATO forces in Afghanistan have discovered the Taliban is using Chinese-made weapons. How easy is it to get Chinese-made weapons? Well, I went to Chinatown and was easily able to buy these illegal surface-to-air missiles.
Do you know there are now special centers for kids addicted to the internet? They take them out into the woods, have them live and play together. Really? Is this how they’re selling summer camp now? I hear they also have a great program for overcoming fear of abandonment. It’s called ‘hide and go seek’.
Today, the woman with the Guinness record for longest fingernails lost them in a car crash. Apparently, she had her hand out the window and they punctured the tires.
After the Oath of Office, Senator Diane Feinstein was standing next to Obama and all she had to say was: “Such a distinctive signature!” I guess she got tired of saying: “Oh, you speak so well!” Although, Obama’s signature is an improvement on Bush, who usually used fingerpaint.
A new study says people are friendlier with a warm liquid in their hands. That’s why if I have trouble connecting with people, I like to piss on their hands.
Two men in Massachusetts are being called heroes after catching a toddler falling from a third-story window. But who’s not going to do that? “Hey, is that a baby falling?” “Yup. Too bad I’m holding this beer.” Now there’s a hero.
In New Jersey, deer broke into an elementary school and trashed a supply room. Yes, New Jersey – where even Bambi is a felon. Luckily, the kids could handle it, since most of them were armed.
As a protest against his record label, the musician Danger Mouse is going to release a blank album. So you can buy it, but inside is just a blank CD. Actually though, Danger Mouse got the idea from my old band. You may have heard of us. We were called “Sony”. Our album was called “CD-ROM Five-Pack”. I have to admit, I didn’t want to release a quintuple album, but it’s become the biggest selling album of all time.
A new study says that ultraviolet lights can kill tuberculosis. That’s why you don’t see any tuberculosis patients who grow pot.
Brad Pitt’s new baseball movie “Moneyball” has been delayed, because Pitt apparently thought “Moneyball” referred to how he was going to be paid.
Scientists now say they’ve found mud volcanoes on Mars, which might finally point to the existence there of high school science projects.
A judge yesterday ruled that money discriminates against the blind. Well, tough! It discriminates against me too. Especially when I’m drunk.
Some people say the Eliot Spitzer scandal could be bad for Hillary Clinton, since he’s one of her biggest supporters. But I don’t think so, because now she has something to talk about with Mrs. Spitzer.
Police in Israel have arrested a gang of Israeli neo-Nazis. Yeah, the members are male, between the ages of 16-21, and ALL APPARENTLY FAILED MATH! There are eight of them. Israel has 5.4 million Jews. I think they’re just a tad outnumbered. And I bet they’re going to get a realllly nice reception in Israeli prison. “Could you bend over and pick up my yarmulke?”
The Chinese government says that thousands of couples there plan to get married on the first day of the Olympics. But doesn’t China have 1.3 billion people? Aren’t thousands of couples planning to get married the day after too? And the day after that…
Ashlee Simpson has named her child Bronx Mowgli. Now, Mowgli is the name of the boy in “The Jungle Book”, who is LOST BY HIS PARENTS AND RAISED BY WOLVES! How appropriate.
Two men were arrested for selling fake penises on the internet. Because apparently it’s legal to sell real penises. But (true) these penises were for passing drug tests. Yeah, that’ll be a good excuse when your girlfriend finds one. The fake penis was called (true) the Whizzinator. How did they think they would get away with this? They had a company, brand name, website. Of course, so does General Motors. The penis-makers called themselves (true) “the undisputed leader in synthetic urine” – a title I always thought was held by Mountain Dew.
A lot of luxury seats at the new Yankee Stadium are going empty, because the only people in New York who can afford them these days are already out on the field.
A Colorado newspaper is hiring a marijuana reviewer and has received over 100 applications. However, the newspaper said anyone who takes the effort to send a resume obviously doesn’t have the expertise it’s looking for.
A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.
A new internet cure for insomnia is becoming popular. That’s like a brand of whiskey that cures alcoholism. I assume the internet cure features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off the porn and go to bed!”
Roger Clemens testified before Congress that he never took steroids. The testimony was slightly delayed, however, because Clemens couldn’t quite fit through the door.
The cover model for Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue this year is Israeli. And Israel has mandatory military training, so she’ll be only their second cover model who can use an Uzi submachine gun. The first was, of course, Tyra Banks.
Australian men are mourning the death of the oldest sheep in the world, their first GGGGGGGGGILF.
French taxpayers spent over $400,000 on a shower for president Nicolas Sarkozy – and he never even used it. Jesus, how much of a hint does a guy need to freshen up? This explains why the White House classifies visits by Sarkozy as “chemical attacks”.
A new study says loneliness is contagious. So if you don’t want to catch it – stay away from people.
China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, it’s proposing fake Gucci handbags.
This morning, Bill Clinton went to North Korea to rescue two American journalists. The White House was also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
The NFL has announced plans to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm…
In New Jersey, two men were able to walk away after crashing a plane carrying urine samples (true). Of course, this being New Jersey, the urine samples were on the tires. Actually, I think any plane about to crash has urine samples. If I were on a plane going down, it would have urine samples, shit samples, and on the flight recorder – samples of girlish screams.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
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